Niceness vs Kindness

Until recently, I considered “niceness” and “kindness” to mean the same thing.

Is there a difference? Yes, there is - it’s subtle, especially in a coaching context:

• niceness: tell the listener things in your short term best interest
• kindness: be able to tell the listener things in their long term best interest

Situations where you would generally be nice: say things to avoid conflict for yourself, even when you know better.

To be kind in the same situation: say things that may introduce conflict in the short term with you and the listener, in order to improve themselves in the long term, (especially) when you know better.

For me, this clarifies interactions where I have sudden conflict. I realize that I default to kindness when people expect niceness.

Part of me can’t stand to be nice when I know better. In a way, I expect others to be kind, because I am being kind to them! I am following the Golden Rule:

Treat Others the Way You Want to Be Treated

Now I am understanding: others expect niceness, I give kindness. This created enormous friction for some relationships in my life.

Moving forward, I will default to being nice until I can confirm the listener wants kindness.